Supporting others by caring for yourself.

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If you are supporting someone in crisis, or you fear for their own or others' safety, this blog post is not for you.

Instead, please call Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Mental Health Advice Line (1300 60 60 24) to access acute support.

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There’s no doubt that it's frustrating and painful to watch someone that you care about struggle with their mental health for extended periods of time, while your advice and support seems to go unnoticed.

It makes me think about how you can’t really change people, change often only occurs when that person feels ready to change. You can wish for the best for them, but you can’t actually do anything about it, unless they need urgent care.

So when you’re watching a colleague slowly fade away every time you see them on Zoom, or you feel like your relative’s life would be so much easier if they just did X, Y, or Z… it’s humbling and scary to think that your words can’t really make them change (unless they want to).

But not being able to convince someone to care for their mental health, doesn’t mean that we need to give up. Instead, we can remember that our actions speak louder than words and that we can model the ways in which we care for our own mental health and wellbeing.

Because as social creatures, we watch what other people do, and we notice when people are well and vibrant. And sometimes just being around someone that’s well, helps us to feel more positive and hopeful too. 

When your actions don't match your words.

When I was twenty years old, I was fresh out of my 6-month yoga teacher training in India. I was living in Tokyo at the time, teaching yoga full-time and my youthful arrogant self could not bear to listen to anyone’s problems without interjecting, “oh, you should be practicing yoga.”

“I just feel really stuck you know…”
“Oh you can work through that in yoga by incorporating more flows and transitions in your sequences…”

“I’m so tired…”
“Oh maybe you should do some yoga?"

And on and on it went.

But when I look back, I see that I was deeply misaligned to the words that I was preaching.

My words were saying “yoga will make everything better” but my body and my “self” were consistently overworked (this is when I realised my work ethic is clearly NOT Japanese), in physical pain most of the time, and on top of that, I was deeply lonely and felt completely purposeless.

So my words were communicating to people that they should do yoga to experience wellness, but my state of being and my actions really didn’t model any kind of wellness to those I felt urged to “help”. And of course, no one would ever take my advice, nor would they ever feel better.

What you do and how you are, affects people more than what you say.

Once we can all meet in person again, it’s important to remember that this is how co-regulation works. The state of your nervous system affects and influences the nervous systems in your vicinity. So being grounded, calm and happy yourself, positively impacts those around you more so than the words you speak out of your mouth.

We learn co-regulation when we’re babies and when our primary caregiver soothes us when we’re distressed. If they’re distressed themselves, then we (the baby) can’t calm down because baby nervous systems a strong, adult nervous system to rely on, entrain to and follow. It’s through this process that we learn how to regulate ourselves without external support but still, even as adults, our nervous systems interact and respond to other nervous systems around us.

This is why there are people in your life that make you feel anxious just by being near them. Or, conversely you might be able to think of others in your life who for some reason, make you feel calm and safe regardless of what they’re saying. It's your nervous system interacting with their nervous system that affects the way in which you feel. 

If your nervous system could “speak” right now, what would it be saying?

What kind of messages would it be sharing with those around you who you wish you could support?

If there’s someone in your life that you wish you could support more, think about your own state right now and if your nervous system could speak, what would it be saying to the other person’s system? Are you like my old self; a deeply dys-regulated yoga teacher? Or is your nervous system settled and calm?

Or if that feels a bit too abstract to think about, think about your actions. What are your actions saying? Are you encouraging people to take time off and rest when you’re working 7 days a week? Or are you asking people to find a hobby when you've never had a hobby in your life? (Super guilty of this!) It’s all about aligning the messages of your words with the messages of your actions and trusting that your own health affects and influences those around you.

I guess this is what they mean when “they” talk about making sure you care for yourself before you try and support others.

I hope that you’re finding joy and rest during this wild time in our lives.

Prioritise yourself because what you do, and how you are in this world, deeply affects those around you and especially those who you’re wishing you could do more to help right now.

Resources.

If you would like to learn more about co-regulation, here are a few good places to start:
READ: https://occupationaltherapychildren.com.au/what-is-co-regulation/
Or WATCH: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LK-Y2_eMfgw

If you would like to work on regulating and strengthening your nervous system, try our 6-week Rest and Reflect video program.